Unfortunately that’s the extent of the night’s revelations. I remember saying that I am comfortable with inconclusive conclusions. I can remember the details, but the mode of thought is inaccessible to me now. Even now, I’m unable to see what could be something more useful going forward. We both agreed it would be good to record conversations.
Edit: Writing this had an effect akin to clarification. I had left out the one person that might have caused the lost of thought earlier tonight. I forgot my favorite journalist: Sam Anderson! He wrote a piece on the art of criticism, particularly literary criticism, for NYTimes Mag. It said that for written reviews on written work you had to be able to simulate the style of the piece you’re writing on. In a sense your work is extending the work that you’re reviewing because they’re both in the same format. This is different for movie reviews- you wouldn’t make a movie to review a movie. This concept of extension helped me understand why I was so desperate to find the model of thoughts I had forgotten. It should help me in remodeling some potentially detrimental thoughts.
The next piece of information is personal enough to make me write a disclaimer. Full disclosure: I have a crush. I think extending the form of the crush in making other crushes constitutes a really simple solution to the mode of thought I’m trying to escape. It means get more obsessed over other crushes. I often think in a pool of thought instead of in sequential logic, which means I don’t go from the simple to the long thought all the time. Sometimes I go from the long thought to the simple.
I can’t fall out of love – cheesily, I am still in love with everyone I’ve ever fallen in love with. Anderson is not the key. Yiyun Li’s chapter on memory is the key that gets way too jammed and requires so much hard work to open. It’s so brilliant, her chapter on memory, but I’m stuck in a mode that perpetuates victimhood, self-hate, and what Li calls (again I’m paraphrasing) the entrapment of memory wherein the person being crushed on is entrapped in my memory. I don’t want to do that, I can’t continue abusing the idea of a person for selfish reasons. And that’s the tough pill to swallow!
Part of the tough pill to swallow is my depression that uses the crush as sustenance and makes me not care about anything else-falsely painting me as a victim. Earlier I had drawn a diagram to help me and Bryan talk about these “crush truths” that I know very well. Even though I’ve thought about them and know the roots of my crush on a deep level, I constantly avoid them unless I write them down. “Crush Truths” – A Data Story. I wanted to funnel these inputs into a clumsy model that could give me a way to daily deal with these thoughts so I wouldn’t end up avoiding them and thereby increase the potential of them unexpectedly harming my mental health. At the moment, if I see my crush or listen to one second of any Mitski song I cry – so it’s serious business! Crying is good, but the reasons are wrong.
I need to separate – another theme we talked about in relation to form and reflection (I also brought up copying as both subjective and literal reflection and the Kenneth Goldsmith uncreative writing projects) – memory from the person. I think I need to (as in I do) be kind to myself in situations. This concept is so so hard to internalize, so I need to be kind and strong in dealing with times when I might still cry over the wrong reasons. Separating physically and digitally has superficially helped.
Going forward I have to deal with the reality of being in love. The reasons for the crush, as I’ve been repeating to myself, do not for the most part regard the person. They are the subject of external, & my own internal, factors. Love is not what this is about. This mess lies in tightly packed boxes, and I have to open and organize all of them to feel finally at home. As an I, I hardly ever feel comfortable in being present in this body, this mind. I feel unwelcome in almost all space external. I have to work hard to make myself welcome in my own internal space.