I am a self-saboteur

Finishing was the title of a draft that was never saved because I had no words in it. It was a title of something that was going to be amazing, a whole list of things that I wasn’t finishing, everything that I was either postponing indefinitely or for such a long time it seemed indefinite. I was going to address my problem with procrastination, putting things off for “later”, and this later being a time undetermined, so I effectively place the conclusion in limbo, a place of perpetual illusion. I continue to trick myself into the clutches of my own hypocrisy, every time, every time I convince myself sooo well. And it turns out terrible, I am a self-saboteur, to cite: ROOKIE Yearbook 2, “Giving Up on Giving Up” by Danielle. Simply…Danielle. This article also brought to my attention my tendency to not do things that I want to do. Sabotaging my thoughts before they can turn into reality. Ideas left to fly away in the dust of a endless desert of forgotten pseudo-creations. It’s so sad, so damning. Where do these things go when I forget about them? Purgatory, paradise? These offerings aren’t just for humans, I bet many things wind up in the places of afterlife. But only humans go to Hell. Dante’s Inferno is making it’s way into the mailbox at the corner of my street. The communal mailbox that’s situated in the middle of the block. There I picked up so many things, my Rookie Yearbook, socks, books, other things I don’t remember. Globelamp packages. These things coming out of that plain metal box…

My imagination is tearing me away from relevancy. I can’t sustain coherence anymore, but my mind is making things from the past resurface. Resurfacing into a montage of different voices and sounds, histories remade into possibilities. Shifting, everything shifting like a giant wooden puzzle, cylindrical, and the camera wooshes—-over, down under, over, left, up, down, right, and then turn up and out into the space around the structure. The view is incredible as we stare down at the structure of time. So much like the body of an ancient tree, but married to modern geometric design. I see so many other things, birds, blackening the sky. And nothing more, for the words can not fix into to the puzzle, this puzzle is best left unsolved. 

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