written thrift haul!

Absolutely stunned at the amount of clothes I got yesterday. A mix of work wear, falls moods, and an abundance of jackets and coats. First off, I have hanging in front of me a gray coverall from Dickies! It is slightly small but would look with black boots. The curves ? at the arm remind me of Kiko designs.

I also got

  • a gray oversized blazer with shoulder pads and a slightly brown and white threading throughout that makes the gray have a bit more dimension. The sleeves reach my hands.
  • a white button up with a cuff that’s extra long, similar to a style I saw on H&M for $50. It’s pristine, but very wrinkly and I’m afraid to stain it. It looks great under the two workwear coats I got.
  • a thick canvas workwear jacket – it feels very heavy and tightly woven and is beige.
  • an oversized denim workwear jacket – a similar shape and form to the canvas jacket but heavier and is dark blue that’s satisfyingly rich.
  • a Tommy Hilfiger leather jacket with lapels and two front pockets. the inside has a green plaid insert where the label is and the jacket’s weight is incredible. It is wrinkled, but getting better I think.
  • a silk black jumpsuit from the label SHEIN, which I’ve seen on Youtube as a casual clothing brand. It has skinny fit legs that I plan to cut into single slits.
  • a puffer vest with an alternating chevron pattern that’s small and interesting to look at. I’m the last person who would wear a puffer vest but it was such an interesting pattern in black and white that it almost feels like it could go with anything.
  • a woven lace sweater – hand woven apparently – made with thick yarn in olive, nude, and white. It’s a to-die-for layering piece and has the resemblance of flowers protruding across it in bunches of yarn.
  • a velvet forest green blazer that’s slightly 70s and is a whole vibe.
  • an enormous leather trench jacket that’s near my ankles – the silhouette is dramatic. It’s puffy with layers and a slit in the middle of the back that closes when you’re still but opens when you walk. Its layers don’t make it stuffy, and it has got a good amount of movement while keeping its form.
  • another massive coat – this one a black trench with utility belts at the cuffs and around the coat. It seems to have an impossible number of pockets.
  • a lighter coat with lots of zippers! Actually my first and favorite find in this haul. Also near floor length.
  • another leather jacket! Last one. It is not floor length. It’s long and thin. The form hugs the body and serves sleek Matrix vibes. The back of the collar is slightly scrunched.
  • another huge black coat! A very puffy puffer jacket that’s super shiny and has a hood and bomber jacket elastics at the collar and cuffs.

and I believe that is all.

vibes

places to go hypothetically (aka reasons to wear cute outfits)

  • work
  • bars
  • clubs
  • apartments
  • rooftops
  • thrift stores
  • restaurants
  • museums
  • parks
  • shops
  • the subway
  • the movies
  • the dentist
  • the eye doctor
  • concert venues
  • music festivals
  • groceries
  • bookstores
  • galleries
  • airplanes
  • cars
  • outside
  • remote work offices
  • the.. library
  • laundromats
  • houses
  • porta potties
  • aquariums
  • protests
  • liquor stores
  • bodegas
  • church?

fear is the greatest human emotion, perhaps the only one.

fear is the greatest human emotion, perhaps the only one. even love is a sub-feeling, a by-product of fear. we love out of fear. no matter what fear, it doesn’t matter. fear of loneliness, mostly. fear of death. wanting to last in people’s memories.

not sure where this is from

To all the clothes I loved before..

I’m trying to be a lot more deliberate in my looks now that I kind of have nowhere to go. For hair.. I’ve had a pretty boring series of haircuts all my life; I’ve never ever dyed my hair, never done anything wild in styling it, and have never had an unusual cut. I cut my own hair now, which is an easy 2-minute buzz of my back and side hair and a 20-minute to an hour long haphazard job with my top and front hair which I hack at using a pair of scissors and a wild amount of self-doubt.

So, I’ve had some haircuts that I preferred. For a long time it was really long hair – so no haircut at all. More recently it’s been short hair.

into this- last last summer

Here’s me with messy short hair (and overall messy look) which I liked a lot at the time:

also from last last summer

I still like the messy short hair – it’s easy, and looks alright sometimes. Having looks look good by chance was my style philosophy for a while. Intentionally stylized looks could be fake, or forced. But they could be beautiful too.

full on

My lazy style meant throwing on all the clothes I loved, messy hair don’t care. Now I guess I’m thinking of paring back, wearing maybe just 3 colors at most lol. To all the clothes I loved before.. I’m still thinking of clothes I love as items that I can still love…just not all on myself 100% of the time.

Hair is still a WIP. I love my black hair, I don’t think I’d ever dye it. I also don’t like gel, so the best I could do is something wild with the buzz. Or I could start wearing wigs.. Khruangbin vibes?

with big sunnies 😎

convo

Sustainability

I love her ideas~ not to conjecture on a slippery slope, but I can’t help wondering if on-demand consumption will be able to replace mass products in retail stores. I see it as being widely adoptable, pending multiple needs: accessible prices at scale, a rethinking of seasonality, and the move toward week-to-week production based on machine learning projection models that Nonoo starts to explain at 18:00
The conversation around clothing our own avatars is so interesting given multiple 3-D model artists being employed by brands during virtual fashion week to model the weight and movement of new collections. I agree that this could be mainstream in the near future if this modeling is available for more and more brands. The idea of biotech-informed material clothing production is also exciting and reminds me of the material ecology work of architect Neri Oxman, especially when Nonoo talks about lab-grown leather and synthetic silk.

Aesthetic Activism

Elaine Scarry’s ideas on transformational beauty as the work of lessening pain and injustice felt illuminating initially, and then too obvious, a framework already capsizing. And then I took a look off my page and came back… I feel a bit Zen? A Koan.

  • Beauty emphasizes and empathizes the world; pain contracts the world and diminishes our ability to create and exist in the world
  • Beauty in the 21st Century has been over-used by advertising, thereby conditioning our responses to beauty with consumerism; when we see something beautiful we want to buy it
  • Beauty by way of Plato and Homer sees beauty as a way toward goodness and justice, ideals which are helpfully threaded by beauty – an ideal that exists and is able to be processed in the world of senses

Moving on to a brief point on queerness and utility

  • Scarry writes about the theory of value and beauty as being so subsumed by consumerism, while in history it’s been so much richer of a concept in terms of value outside usefulness and the commercial sense
  • Ocean Vuong brings this idea in parallel with queerness: “that’s the critique that we all get: That queerness is decorous, it’s not a utilitarian thing, and therefore has no value.” Source

I see my problem currently as a project of excavation. I need to exhume beauty from the muck of consumerism and restore in my mind some practice of enlivening that lasts (and is appropriately Zen). The sound of a single clapping hand.

I don’t believe in allyship. I want to believe in nonduality, and/or a process toward it.

august Afternoon

tabs in my browser

recommended by the band Sessa in this KEXP session: https://youtu.be/OIlLSQt0ymk
from this AirKhruang Tehran playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4ptR2WIhfpzzeOB-SMCiJGoN3ZhqVB2H

Oh, and Jack Dorsey’s archived blog entries:

http://valleywag.gawker.com/the-deleted-web-poetry-of-jack-dorsey-1445042335

beauty

i have no super powers but i skip reasonably well

i wanted to write the sky today and my wrists are holding me down.

kids are absent from structure, and play in the disorder while creating more

as soon as i record, you become false.

A note-to-self on race, public platforms, and more

At the moment I’m struggling between wanting to post all about BLM and also finding space for other things that are important to me like art, writing, and creativity.. not that these are mutually exclusive. For my personal accounts, I’ve been inactive after going full-time social media for work. I’ve been promoting BLM anti-racist works on those accounts. I’ve used my personal accounts as an amplifier of those professional accounts, but I’m in need of a vector that communicates more directly about the issues.

About the issues: Since late May, the death of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, Tony McDale, and more and more and more have catalyzed a dystopian flash-forward in the world’s consciousness on issues of race, Black Lives Matter, and violence. The tide of politics has risen exponentially, and I’m struggling to stay afloat. 

My personal issues with confronting the issues: Honestly, even in the past when BLM exploded with the death of Travyon Martin and the acquittal of George Zimmerman and the shooting of Michael Brown, I largely stood in silent solidarity with my left-leaning peers. Silence is violence. The dialectic has to be shared among everyone in 2020. 

And that’s where I trip up. I need to educate myself more beyond my education. I need to read and note and participate. What that looks like: reading, highlighting, sharing, and engaging with works by radical Black authors and organizers. Sharing action items (petitions, email templates, other accounts, and places seeking donations) and continuing to take part in these action items yourself. Checking in with yourself about how you can do better each and every day. Understanding the weaknesses of your past and calibrating for the future. 

My issues with the issues is deep. It shows itself in my shallow distaste for the look and feel of organizing, for the lack of aesthetics, for the blunt edges of realities that I’ve happily excluded myself from. Maybe I tackle these with solutions that I’ve seen other use: design for politics*, social media for politics, community building for politics

*politics as protests, resource sharing, collective healing

I need to: build tolerance for the boring but necessary, exercise speaking out as a muscle

I need to: conceptualize a queer future 

Rice Essay

Cringey essay for rice from 2016?

Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. You can type directly into the box, or you can paste text from another source. (250-650 words)

It’s hard to extricate the personal from the academic. Empirical sciences interpret the world through approximate models while literature imputes argumentative value through the realm of the subjective and aesthetic. A dichotomy emerges that manifests itself in the schools of higher learning, e.g. schools of liberal arts and of natural sciences. Of course the areas available to study today convolute this one example of higher learning’s equivocal function. Other conflicts can be drawn from the explanatory/philosophical, to the highly practical/mechanical: the debate between theory and practice. The lines further sharpen and bleed into one another as aspects of a subject appear inevitably linked with the definition of another, as when the question of interpretation in empirical sciences exchanges paradoxical glances with the empirical weight of literature in anthropological studies. Out of this mess of distinctions and indistinctions emerges some loose definition of higher learning’s function- a university’s function. However loose and amorphous, the definition encapsulates my reasons for transferring and the concomitant goals therein. 

I believe that the purpose of a university is to teach its students how to proceed through life. 

-deep sigh-

An accompanying shaking of the head in disbelief would be appropriate, but I reiterate nonetheless- universities guide students through the process of life. It sounds utterly banal and commonsense, the fodder of commencement addresses immemorial. Could an accompanying poignancy be latent? I have to ask, what is life? It’s the seed of germination, the chicken and the egg, the cause and effect- personal and academic, the individual and the family. What is life? When I considered it fully, I never saw myself concluding what I did: that life was inextricably everything- a concert of contradictions that makes the Gordian Knot look like a simple shoelace tie. 

All these crossed lines and bloody contradictions might suggest higher learning provides students with sharpened wits as to cut, like Alexander the Great’s sword, through the mick-mash of obfuscating life. But I believe the opposite is true, that universities hold the tools to see these lines and somehow help students embrace them as a homogeneous whole- in other words, that universities help students study life. This life includes the personal and academic- together.

This life includes the family and individual- together. This life exists in between the lines, is made up of the lines and as a whole has no lines at all. 

When I looked at life at my college, I realized that I had, in a major sense, been running away. The contradictions of the self and family peeled like salty brine at my insides, so I threw myself in the lukewarm solace of isolation 1,600 miles away, away from the problematic.

Unfortunately in life the problematic is also usually essential. What I did at my school newspaper I saw myself doing anywhere- writing is always going to be a part of me. Still, the newspaper gave me a chance to see myself in print for the first time and exposed me to the impact of college newspapers (e.g. the debate issue and Sigma Pi hazing piece proliferated nationally), but ultimately I’m not essential to the team, to the university.

I’ve meshed the academic and personal for most of my life. I remember sharing the details of Saturn and Jupiter to my father in between clothes racks too tall for my head to clear. I hope to continue meshing the personal and the academic in the process of learning how to live life. I hope to understand the implications of a life necessitated on each individual part of its gestalt, a life with self responsibility, familial responsibility, academic vivacity and the incessant progression of ideas.