on my way back from the recipe of exuberant immensity that was Yaeji 11/09 at Knockdown Center, I heard “Han Jan” by Peggy Gou for the first time. And then for the second time, and third, fourth all the way till I got back to Long Island time, where I’m listening to it still, in awe.
If you haven’t recently, stream this fucker right now. It’s unspeakably cool, gargantuan in sound and soul – like it’s plundered the auditory vaults of God herself and walked away dripping with the divine refuse of this other realm where things all things sound great all. the. time.
There’s not one second of this track, all six minutes 20 seconds of it, that trips, slacks or bores. The whole thing morphs itself around the listener immediately as you yourself morph into its gravity. While you’re listening, nothing is more important than the unyielding synths, rapid percussion and Gou’s own voice, illicit, enchanting and all but slightly out of focus, directing you to “do it right, enjoy your night” over and over again.
Its cyclical progression never defers to any secondary notion of ennui or inattention, and before you know it it’s on repeat, looped like a love
On my first two listens of Gou’s track, i felt paralyzed, like I was bein confronted by a higher, so much fucking higher, being.
Inspired by an accidental subscription to a Skillshare class taught by Emily Gould. Read her old blog here.
I’m thankful for deep sleeps. I’m thankful for the reliable death I experience each night. I’m thankful to the way my body feels after resting. I’m thankful for my memories of dreams and the dreamlike memories of my waking life and how they feed into one another with time. I’m thankful for the upright position I’m able to maintain while writing this. I’m thankful that I don’t feel too burdened by finances right now, that I’m not completely cut off from love, and that I don’t feel like dying each time I wake up.
Today I noticed a dream where I slept and woke up to a world where going to church meant professional success. Today I woke up and noticed that this might be the case. Today I noticed I’m sick, not in a spiritual way, in that I’m mostly dead, but physically, emotionally, mentally sick. Today I noticed the inertia i takes to move one’s hands across a Mac keyboard to peel back feelings and drop them in the clear acid of day. Today I noticed the absence of present pain and the presence of absent pain of the past – my childhood. Today I woke up and noticed I had dreamed of a hybrid churchxhiring event event where attendees wore robes in a school gym, where I took the wrong papers when they announced my already wrongly written note, where I ran around looking for the correct ones from random family members hoping to avoid me, where I picked up an order from a hybrid NYC alley and the entrance to the church at Kirkwood – where I found the chicken porridge of my youth steaming next to me on a bicycle out of view between the chain-link fences at blue night. Today I noticed the concern these dreams expressed, today I noticed their empathy as my own anxiety. Today I noticed a dreamed dream in which I escape both aspects of the past situation and find myself in search of a cheap art gallery to own and maintain. The monthly rent is 4 thousand and I make this in between shifts UberEatsing in Texas, half-time driving half-time running the art gallery. Today I noticed there is no cheap art gallery in Texas. Today I noticed I’m sad.
Each day I’ll upload a post from the challenge involving the prompt “I’m thankful” or “I’m grateful” and “Today I noticed.” If you take up the challenge yourself, please share them with me! I would love to read and write together.
Tonight I talked to Bryan, a friend I met on SQUAD (Subtle Queer Asian Dating). Across empty bowls of dan dan noodles Bryan made, they’re a food vendor @ The Mighty Manatee, I talked about time and some other stuff. The earliest memory I have of time comes in the form of fireworks at Disneyland, where my parents took me and my sister when I was a toddler. In it I remember seeing my first fireworks, eruptions of light that then fizzled downwards. In the byproduct of their explosions, fireworks leave drifting sparks that float and disappear with gravity. Against wind resistance, it looks as if time has interrupted the motion of these explosive detritus. This, I think, was my first experience with slow-motion.
I’m back into the groove of things. Each semester that means something different, but inevitably, by the second week, I’ve either fallen into a rhythm or seen the end at the very beginning.
I didn’t know how to feel after Bubble T on Saturday….it was their Lunar new year’s Party and I’ve…never been in a room of so many QTPOC all at once. I felt overwhelmed in a good way. I was dead, I was alive, it felt like I had found home.
I saw the wonderful Michelle Zhu on stage dancing with a dragon head on! It was incredible. I’m excited to reply to her Write / To Heal newsletter. Hopefully there’s a zine too.
And then Untitled Queen lip synced to Your Best American Girl and I ceased to exist. I don’t know anything anymore. How I’ve been feeling about classes – feels sort of like the gif I posted. It’s all natural now. Floating along basically. I’m definitely still exerting myself though. It’s serene busy-work basically – the exciting (and sometimes boring) thing is that I’m definitely learning, although I have gripes with the process as always.
I feel like sometimes my classes go too slow and like I’m hearing the same thing over and over again – not that it’s not needed. The practice is kind of what’s the most beneficial. For example, I’m only writing a “consistent” blog now because I have to actually read and write on a consistent basis for my 21 credits..! Really wild how things have happened so quickly and so smoothly.
I’m excited to see how I’ll progress with my various classes, skills, projects and internship / job this semester.
For my Data JRNL class – since we’re all co-creating what the class will become going forward – I’m still figuring out what I want to do for my final project. Today we learned how to look through our tweets – a process that took my professor 2 months to learn!
Advanced Social Media should provide me with some tools to implement in my career going forward. I don’t really know where it might go….but the fact that we’re trying to develop and ascertain what our brands are is interesting already.
My Design and Visual Strategies class is learning Illustrator – which should be great. Unfortunately I learned nothing new today! But hopefully next time I find something cool to implement in my own projects. This is my most amazing class because my professor used to be an illustrator! He went to art college and is now a published programming professor. Also my only As/Am professor!
For the Chronicle, the school newspaper, we’re doing a lot of new things! I’m excited to see how social media develops this semester and maybe learn how to integrate newsletters and automatic sign ups. QR codes for the newspaper newsletter will be in print next week hopefully.
Outside of college I have my internship where I’m contacting a zinemaker from San Francisco who makes zines on the internet. I’ll be helping consign her work in the magstore and making my own zine, about zines, that’ll also be held in the store. This is gonna require a lot of research, subtraction, more research, and more subtraction!
For Molasses Magazine, a POC music mag that I’m really excited about, there’s gonna be a lot of new things to be done…we’re getting a good amount of pitches that I’m really excited about. The social media, newsletter and other aspects of the mag is going to be a great way to learn and explore with people that I find really essential. I find myself exhausted around a lot of my white peers – especially when a 360 glance of my surroundings fails to find a single POC, queer, or anything but white, person around me. It’s alienating in an inexplicable way! I think for the most part it feels like I’ve been taken out of my home, Fort Bend County, that is so diverse, and put in a place where diversity as a concern is so present because of its literal absence…!
I’ve been having a terrible foreboding feeling of non-being consistently these past two weeks. Whenever I’m present I feel absent, whenever I’m alone I feel present. It’s not new, but the amount of people around me as the semester starts again strains this feeling more and more, and I don’t know what to do. I know the feeling is valid – all feelings are valid!
Finally, my own personal projects – that I’ve personally spearheaded – include a continuation of my attempt to make two zines a week. This week I’m trying to really crank out an accordion zine (4.5 x 3) of a Lunar New Year’s cultural knowledge type that can be tucked into red paper envelopes. I bought the li xi today at my Viet mart and also got 1000 dollar “Hell Bank” notes from the mart that’ll be fun to include and share with my friends.
Kinda relevant is my participation in HAPIA – the Hofstra Asian Pacific Islander Alliance! We’re figuring out what this semester will hold – a colorism event and LNY event. It’s mostly the E-Board right now, which has been great. Finding and building community has been an on-going difficulty.
My extremely short-term project that I’m most pumped about is the Queer Love Zine I’ve received lots of interest about….it’s my first truly independently curated project….I don’t want to talk too much about it here! Just keep a look out 🙂 And lmk if, whoever’s reading this, wants to contribute on the theme of queer love.