I was angry before in the dorm- with my clothes and warm sheets piled on top of the springy bed cushion. I had dreams that were dynamic, disorienting, recollections of the day placed in settings that were real but amplified. I paced in the small space, one sock on one sock off, the sound of my room mate’s Chinese action films to the right of the room. When I sat down to draft the messages I felt some boiling heat that existed around my body’s peripheral space, an outline of red. Looking in-to the screen, I felt anger, not the obfuscating logical oblivion of temperamental rage, but a clarity in anger that felt objective-pure even (?). So I rode on this strange feeling for a while, not identifying it until now, just experiencing the strangeness, and taking the time to reveal to myself some of the similar feelings I’ve had in the past during this circumstance.
So I’ve already mentioned clarity. Next, merciless direct self-criticism. Imaginary ~If I was a government~ the bureaucracy of this brain allocates continuous and copious amounts of funding to confusing the heck out of its internal structures of moderation. The effect: a painfully detracting habit of avoiding sticky things. I’ll have to end the analogy here because I don’t know the governmental equivalent of it- a self-perpetuating cycle of incompetence! That might just be Peter’s Principle then. Avoiding having to deal with weaknesses exacerbates the habit of avoidance. It’s like I have giant mental cavities and I never ever brush or floss.
And then realizing the clarity and un-withholding state of mind, I sought to capitalize and write! The main barriers to writing, for me, are the two that were just ameliorated or mollified by the angry man in my dorm chair. I wasn’t taking time to clarify, or be “OCD” about every single selection. With writing being composed of several minute decisions one after another, being indecisive is tantamount to paralysis. Not that one should launch into your writing without a moment’s thought, but that sometimes it can be more important to get the thought down with un-choice selections then not get it down at all.
So I’m still dealing with having to rewrite. Rewriting is against the “fragile perfect” grain I’ve been used to as a model for excellence. If you’d prepare beforehand, you wouldn’t have to do it again. I’ve got the before the scenes obsession down, and it takes me forever to put ink down, but not the rewriting part. Together they will take the worry of mistakes in the initial writing process, and strengthen research and revision. Help! *
*No final revision was given to this overall blog post.
I was wondering, just a few seconds ago, if it’s worth it to simply proceed w/o the providence of productivity behind your back. Some tailwind to justify busy keys. I also wondered, a second ago, if any kind of obtusely obscure language might be justified by the voluntary cascade of muscles in creative grip. Losing distinction. Here are a few selected words from my first day of class:
8 is endearingly…neurotic. Or, well she’s quite communicable and obviously (?) super intelligent, but her tendency to avoid eye contact makes her seem so much more heady and removed from students. She’s a great moderator, but the room was filled with a bunch of sticky freshmans (me) with few drama majors/well-adjusted people who contributed summaries and answered basic questions. She utilized the chalkboard to outline a basic timeline of humanity from the Pleistocene to Holocene. That’ll be our extra credit question 11,700 BP (before present) is when the two periods split w/ the Last Ice Age. She dived into and tried to explain small portions of the third article- the one I struggled most with! It was nice to get some clarification on what the author meant. Altogether her questions and the thought it provoked was spot on in several instances. She’s a bicyclist and has great glasses. I saw her exiting the Lecture Hall and immediately wanted to know her- from just her dress. She had grey panniers for her bags and a pair of reading glasses she gave up on after she thought it was taking up too much time. All black attire. Graying hair. I’ve already forgotten her face. Someone who has that presence that feels like it might be more heavily pronounced in a scholarly article? By a name printed in crisp black ink. 8-8 8. Striking! In a couple ways she reminded me of Mindy from University of Toronto. Both faculty at universities of middling prestige, bicyclists, graying hair w/ neat glasses (Mindy’s were more rectangular and framed her face and hair like a heavy mantle displaying her incredible eyes and solid cheekbones). I believe they’re probably of similar age as well. She spent a greater amount of time than 7 on the actual articles. The “introductions” were brief and perfunctory in the worst ways. She obviously wants to help her students, suggesting we provide reading techniques that might help the slower ones in the group (me). I need to find her office hours.
7 on the other hand spent the majority of his time on the introductions, asking each of us for a weird story or bad food experience. I offered my last night anxiety-motivated 4 am stay at the Lab. Some crazy stories from my peers include: some kind of health emergency outbreak in the house last night at 10 pm. I guess I was drowsily sleeping? I left a little after midnight. The last few minutes sparked moderately lively conversation on the articles interjected by some insights from the Professor himself.
*8 and 7 as their names