fear is the greatest human emotion, perhaps the only one. even love is a sub-feeling, a by-product of fear. we love out of fear. no matter what fear, it doesn’t matter. fear of loneliness, mostly. fear of death. wanting to last in people’s memories.not sure where this is from
I’m trying to be a lot more deliberate in my looks now that I kind of have nowhere to go. For hair.. I’ve had a pretty boring series of haircuts all my life; I’ve never ever dyed my hair, never done anything wild in styling it, and have never had an unusual cut. I cut my own hair now, which is an easy 2-minute buzz of my back and side hair and a 20-minute to an hour long haphazard job with my top and front hair which I hack at using a pair of scissors and a wild amount of self-doubt.
So, I’ve had some haircuts that I preferred. For a long time it was really long hair – so no haircut at all. More recently it’s been short hair.
Here’s me with messy short hair (and overall messy look) which I liked a lot at the time:
I still like the messy short hair – it’s easy, and looks alright sometimes. Having looks look good by chance was my style philosophy for a while. Intentionally stylized looks could be fake, or forced. But they could be beautiful too.
My lazy style meant throwing on all the clothes I loved, messy hair don’t care. Now I guess I’m thinking of paring back, wearing maybe just 3 colors at most lol. To all the clothes I loved before.. I’m still thinking of clothes I love as items that I can still love…just not all on myself 100% of the time.
Hair is still a WIP. I love my black hair, I don’t think I’d ever dye it. I also don’t like gel, so the best I could do is something wild with the buzz. Or I could start wearing wigs.. Khruangbin vibes?
Cringey essay for rice from 2016?
Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. You can type directly into the box, or you can paste text from another source. (250-650 words)
It’s hard to extricate the personal from the academic. Empirical sciences interpret the world through approximate models while literature imputes argumentative value through the realm of the subjective and aesthetic. A dichotomy emerges that manifests itself in the schools of higher learning, e.g. schools of liberal arts and of natural sciences. Of course the areas available to study today convolute this one example of higher learning’s equivocal function. Other conflicts can be drawn from the explanatory/philosophical, to the highly practical/mechanical: the debate between theory and practice. The lines further sharpen and bleed into one another as aspects of a subject appear inevitably linked with the definition of another, as when the question of interpretation in empirical sciences exchanges paradoxical glances with the empirical weight of literature in anthropological studies. Out of this mess of distinctions and indistinctions emerges some loose definition of higher learning’s function- a university’s function. However loose and amorphous, the definition encapsulates my reasons for transferring and the concomitant goals therein.
I believe that the purpose of a university is to teach its students how to proceed through life.
An accompanying shaking of the head in disbelief would be appropriate, but I reiterate nonetheless- universities guide students through the process of life. It sounds utterly banal and commonsense, the fodder of commencement addresses immemorial. Could an accompanying poignancy be latent? I have to ask, what is life? It’s the seed of germination, the chicken and the egg, the cause and effect- personal and academic, the individual and the family. What is life? When I considered it fully, I never saw myself concluding what I did: that life was inextricably everything- a concert of contradictions that makes the Gordian Knot look like a simple shoelace tie.
All these crossed lines and bloody contradictions might suggest higher learning provides students with sharpened wits as to cut, like Alexander the Great’s sword, through the mick-mash of obfuscating life. But I believe the opposite is true, that universities hold the tools to see these lines and somehow help students embrace them as a homogeneous whole- in other words, that universities help students study life. This life includes the personal and academic- together.
This life includes the family and individual- together. This life exists in between the lines, is made up of the lines and as a whole has no lines at all.
When I looked at life at my college, I realized that I had, in a major sense, been running away. The contradictions of the self and family peeled like salty brine at my insides, so I threw myself in the lukewarm solace of isolation 1,600 miles away, away from the problematic.
Unfortunately in life the problematic is also usually essential. What I did at my school newspaper I saw myself doing anywhere- writing is always going to be a part of me. Still, the newspaper gave me a chance to see myself in print for the first time and exposed me to the impact of college newspapers (e.g. the debate issue and Sigma Pi hazing piece proliferated nationally), but ultimately I’m not essential to the team, to the university.
I’ve meshed the academic and personal for most of my life. I remember sharing the details of Saturn and Jupiter to my father in between clothes racks too tall for my head to clear. I hope to continue meshing the personal and the academic in the process of learning how to live life. I hope to understand the implications of a life necessitated on each individual part of its gestalt, a life with self responsibility, familial responsibility, academic vivacity and the incessant progression of ideas.
the best place to be on a wednesday afternoon is the fourth floor of the paley media center library, where a quadragenarian with long brown hair greets you within the striated lighting of closed blinds. the greeting is soft and open. you are offered two choices of archives specific to the current season, but you choose neither* and are led instead to the classic archives, a section past two others, near where you can see vintage models of what-seems-to-be monitors lining a back wall.
a comfortable chair with armrests is pulled out for you. you sit. say thanks. the archive is a computer system, and the librarian tells you of its various components. curator’s choice, made in nyc, interviews with cast members. mrs. maisel is referenced and you smile – there is a lot to see and watch. headphones – the type available in public school computer labs and libraries, small and bendy – are pointed out to you.
the exhibit below says upstairs in the fourth-floor library, paley has interactive exhibits. i guess public computers are interactive exhibits. the time allotment of 1:30 hours is given to you and you’re told accommodation for more time afterwards is possible. you find a mrs. maisel paley panel video that’s about that length. but it’s been five minutes – time to go back. you hit the lower left hand corner back button a few times just in case, going back in the session’s branching click history made in nyc > tracy jordan on conan > log out. before you leave you hear a different librarian explain the computer system to a new guest. are you familiar with it? -here’s how much time you have-
smile at the person who helped you on the way out.
*the choice is non and feels open and friendly, opening immediately to another thing – and I process it by looking away from my love of this ease.
I haven’t posted anything on this blog in so long! These days I’m working from home – thank god for the remote capabilities of digital marketing!
It’s odd to say, but I miss the office quite a bit. WFH has made me realize how easy it would be to just have the majority of work out of office…all I do is capable of being done from a laptop!
Some things I don’t miss are my near-hour commute time and spending $20~ on Midtown lunches. Getting off the J train after the sun had set also bummed me out most days. Then the days started getting longer, and I’d get home and still have a couple hours of sun left. It felt like a whole new life.
This first week of fully remote work has been a bit of a non-week. I don’t know what the phrase for the feeling of life becoming media is (like a reverse fourth-wall break), but I felt that walking back from the groceries today.
I’m starting to enjoy remote calls. I love that for lunch I can just walk over to the kitchen and make something new instead of microwaving a Tupperware of meal prep. There’s also an appreciation for your own bathroom that can only be grasped in contrast with public bathrooms. 🚽
Might post some private reflections/misc. backlog l8r.
Music to Check OUT/ download
Just more thoughts while I’m on this machine. I feel unfortunate because this will make the total number of my drafts reach thirteen.. oh well. Haha well, this art-blog-scrolling-music-listening hobby of mine is getting nowhere. It has no point, and yes I don’t know. The music is nice though, very goood. So I am going to watch television series now I guess, which is so dissapointing, but there’s no helping it. I’m sorry.
Reading – skipping lines, dropping words, mutating forms, skimming – as a kind of poetry
some rules of alliance born of sound display
Today I went from opening a regular email to clicking to a list of 50 Best LGBTQ books on Oprah Magazine, to a review of Jean Cocteau: A Life, to more work by the reviewer, to a piece on Instagram and looks.
In a separate distraction, a search auto-populated with some past page I must have opened of an i-D article on side-hustles that I’m now fully reading. Looking at quotes like “inactivity as a goal”
Summer 2019 has, in unceremonious fashion, unofficially/officially ended for me. Near the mid-point of the twenty summers past, I usually forget my goals. Motivation phase-shifts into lethargy and even that soon fades – days drag by in a limbo state and I wait, meting out the possibility of less and less change.
At this point I usually ask myself what I did over the summer. I .. mostly chill. I apply to things without applying myself. I get lost a lot. I think of these words like a bad commercial. For a phone. Or unnecessary wearable tech gadget. That’s also edible. We work. We strive. We.. sit on the toilet.
Here are some quick notes and updates on my first week as the Consumer Marketing Assistant in Executive Marketing Strategy at Hachette Book Group:
- Fridays people wear jeans and more casual wear. Plain white sneakers and other monotone closed-toe shoes are acceptable. Polos have been spotted!
- notes from my manager: sneakers are ok – untucked shirts are ok – personal style is ok – jeans are ok !!!
- Not ok: no ripped jeans or shorts.
- Plaid is …also ok apparently!
Some office life thoughts:
- Tough question: what about the office doesn’t sit right with me….what does work? Basically, as a new hire, what do i think about the office environment? It’s a priority that I feel comfortable. I can’t think of anything, because I like the office so much that I even have a hard time leaving at the end of each day (which I’m low-key trying to play cool). My manager caught me staying past my required hours on Friday and I tried to play it off like I was charging my phone – which I was !
- Professional relationships between supervisors and assistants, assistants and the supervisors of their supervisors, and more: my manager is very friendly. She has brought up the fact that I am young and connected to the youth and more in the know. I don’t know if I know anything about all that. But I definitely have friends who are/do know.
- Office environment: as I sit right next to probably the most beautiful Take Shelf in the entire office, I do get lots of people near my desk all day. I’m also located in front of the printer room and a conference room which are also infrequent sources of noise. Usually people aren’t loudly talking in the office, but it does happen and this can be kind of distracting.
- As I noted earlier in the week: sometimes people aggregate near the spiral take shelf next to my desk, but that’s okay. I can always move to a common area or just put in headphones.
Final points of note: I can’t believe every time I see the CEO just walking around like a regular ol’ Joe! I wonder if he feels like his position has warded him off from new hires. Would love to say hi to him one day and introduce myself. The amount of times I’ve spotted him my first week (3-4 times?) has been alarming in an office of 450 employees.
Despite my attempts to keep my pile of to-be-reads low, I have already stock-piled several free books digitally and through the online lending library and am inevitably going to collect more. I am also unsure what to do with my two drawers, shelves, and file cabinet. Currently I have a belt, my expired passport from orientation day, and the packets from training awkwardly settled among the empty spaces.
Deciding what to post now for the next few days. As of this draft, 08/01- a Thursday night, I haven’t told the current start-up company I’m working with that I’ve accepted a job offer with Hachette Book Group. It begins Monday! I don’t know how and when and even if I should announce this on socials. I updated my closest friend, told a close one vaguely and basically told another close one through my previous blog post delivered to their email but refrained from sharing that post on socials by disconnecting my socials, that I set to automatically share on all blog posts here, from that post. Right now I’m thinking of blog posts surrounding it that I could write. This one was supposed to be about the interview.
Tonight I want to work on the social media for the startup including: building out their August editorial calendar. Creating more assets, completing the rest of the week’s duties like writing social copy for next week. I want to be more proactive with the Instagram as well, with the look and with creating a link in bio.
As for the blog, I guess I’ll start to draft some current content for today and tomorrow. I’m under the impression that Autostraddle is going to read my blog like my supervisor at Hachette did and be the opposite of impressed because the recent backlog is realllly bad.
I want to tell my coworkers at the startup that I’ve accepted the job offer by Friday and provide options for work going forward. I also want to create a blog post about applying to jobs as a full-time job and another on the process of this job with the help of my email inbox timestamps. I also want to make one about what the job entails and about my future anxieties. Eventually I want to write one about budgeting too – all of these have been on my mind since I got the job.